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Category:People Jokes - Author:- Contributor:
Dumb Crooks Roundup

    A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.


    An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealedweapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentencefor those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violentcareer criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. Theman's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury ispunishment enough.


    A luckless thief pleadedguilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. Thethief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked himto go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took thedollar, went inside the store... and called the police.


    A thief in Myrtle Beach,South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurantequipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before settingthe stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria inCalabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery.A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant --where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. Theowner of the second restaurant was arrested.


    During a high schoolbreak-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classroomsand amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When theycouldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loadedand left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with adigital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded thesnapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. Thesuspects were quickly arrested.


    A Nevada fugitive wanted onfraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility testsbefore being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise ofgetting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.


    Admitting his 0-4 record isnot impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dogfor the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his firstowner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier,drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an expresstrain, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do somethingsilly."

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Brooms & Carrotsticks - Contributor:
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
"This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die." Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
"Don't worry." said the man issuing them out. "I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said "Bangity bangity bang!" and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were "Tankity tankity tank."
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